張先生，我寫信給你了。

愛，之於我其實是一種精神鴉片吧。跟EDM一樣。

張先生，展信愉快。我再無法獲得你的消息了，看了新聞才能知道你現在如何，有點寂寞呢，所以試著親自寫信給你。距離上一次已經是兩年了吧，手邊沒有好看的紙了就只好打在Matters上然後寄給牛麵。最近我寫了很多關於愛的文字，然後突然，五月十日的四點，我重新開始聽原子邦妮，看著上次我寫給你的文。

得出了開首的結論。然後在youtube music弄了一個屬於你的playlist，打著這篇一邊在聽，大概這是我表達愛的方法吧，雖然歌單你聽不到，可是其他人可以聽到，我也能一直反芻著彼此的情感。距離我們初次見面已經快五年了，我訂婚了。謝謝當時的你讓我下了跟前度一刀兩斷的決定。「意識到自己並沒有對方喜歡自己那麼喜歡對方」大概當時在你車上聽著《存在》的自己是那樣想著的吧，可是一切都開始模糊了，像我日益嚴重的近視、暈眩和鼻敏感，可是活著又是一種如此真實的感覺。

我大學畢業了，終於。那天你載我去考的試，是哲學系的Understanding Morality。出軌的自己想著沒有道德的人去考morality真的很好笑，然後在試卷上垂死掙扎展演著邏輯，還留言跟lecturer說拜託讓我及格，之後我free elective會選你的課的（最後真的有選）。明天也要工作啊，雖然我再三跌斷了腿可以work from home，可是不睡然後工作的自己，會一直在issue和device之間發狂。我將一些沒有一起聽過的歌都放了進playlist了，像是珂拉琪的歌和宇多田光的One Last Kiss，還有Cyberpunk 2077動畫版的I Really Want to Stay in Your House（是Lucy的情歌吧）。或許是一種期許吧，畢竟情感不能停留在2018年的冬天和2021年的初夏。大概是在更新情感的database。（提起LUCY就想起月亮然後又想起幣災^w^ 我的魚柳包稿費變成了0.1個魚柳包了）然後往playlist裡面加了幾首關於月球的歌（撈月亮的人、月球上/下的人）

嗯，突然好暈，眼前有彩色雜訊了，該吃早餐了吧，可是我不捨得開燈，彷彿燈亮了我的情感就會灰飛煙滅。此刻，四點四十九分，你醒來了沒呢？一點的時候我食了一碟菜心還是芥蘭，吃到尾有一條特別生的，生到我聽到他在尖叫。大概不用開燈也能摸著黑吃到放在床尾的紅豆麵包吧，靠著macbook螢幕的光線。可是我彷彿沒有力氣掙脫枕頭堆成的座位，依舊在敲打著鍵盤。

還是起身去了廁所然後拿了一包乳酪來喝。我掉了條頭髮在mon上，大概是從瀏海來的，頭髮形成了圓弧，還以為是Matters文字編輯器的新graphic。或許沒有不會醒的夢的吧，就像沒有不會完結的愛情、幻像和音樂。或許我們相遇的時候只像一場發燒時候發的lucid dream，可是我還是想坐在你身旁聽你說話。偶爾會覺得自己的愛很沈重、是個陰沈的女人，可是又已經是身分認同的一部分，就像《不起眼女主角培育法》裡面的霞之丘詩羽一樣，無止境地在寫著妄想的情書和輕小說希望對象讀懂。

希望你能身體健康身壯力健（這個祝福來自一個第四次裂/斷骨的人）。

I really wanna stay in your house.

遲來的生日快樂。

kay. 2023. 0510//06:22

附錄：

1. 張先生playlist 的link，是unlist的：https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLfgciUQQ9xABZW7Fipwy96U57Y0BnoH-_
2. 張先生在裡面聽不到所以文字歌單在此：
   原子邦妮-存在 live ver、蘇打綠-我好想你、原子邦妮-我只是你的夢境、這樣我就能忘記你了、被你遺忘的森林、＃imissyousobad、天亮之前、在_崩壞之後、TK-Unravel the First Take ver.、容祖兒-心之科學、Cozy Syndrome-沒遺憾放任、Manson Cheung-心獸 (within Monster ver.)、珂拉琪-葬予規路火烌猶在、宇多田光-One Last Kiss、AGA-City Pop、Mizu、高瀨統也-どうして、珂拉琪-萬千花蕊慈母悲哀、Samuel Kim&Lorien-I Really Want to Stay in Your House、IZ*ONE-I love you 3000 cover、楊千嬅-撈月亮的人、Gin Lee-月球下的人、陳奕迅-月球上的人、Cozy Syndrome-夜空、Pandora-安全距離
   應該有些在903能聽到DJ播的歌吧
3. I Really Want to Stay at Your House的歌詞，即使旋律是如此浪漫抒情，歌詞卻很絕情，救命

I couldn't wait for you to come clear the cupboards
But now you're going to leave with nothing but a sign
Another evening I'll be sitting reading in between your lines
Because I miss you all the time

So, get away
Another way to feel what you didn't want yourself to know
And let yourself go
You know you didn't lose your self-control
Let's start at the rainbow
Turn away
Another way to be where you didn't want yourself to go
Let yourself go
Is that a compromise?

So, what do you wanna do, what's your point-of-view?
There's a party soon, do you wanna go?
A handshake with you, what's your point-of-view?
I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go
'Cause I really wanna stay at your house
And I hopе this works out
But you know how much you broke me apart
I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you
I don't wanna know

And I'm awarе that you were lying in the gutter
'Cause I did everything to be there by your side-ide
So, when you tell me I'm the reason I just can't believe the lies
And why do I so want to call you (call you, call you, call you)

So, what do you wanna do, what's your point-of-view?
There's a party soon, do you wanna go?
A handshake with you, what's your point-of-view?
I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go
'Cause I really wanna stay at your house
And I hope this works out
But you know how much you broke me apart
I'm done with you, I'm ignoring you
I don't wanna know

Oh
I don't know why I'm no one

So, get away
Another way to feel what you didn't want yourself to know
And let yourself go
You know you didn't lose your self-control
Let's start at the rainbow
Turn away
Another way to be where you didn't want yourself to go
Let yourself go
Is that a compromise?

So, what do you wanna do, what's your point-of-view?
There's a party soon, do you wanna go?
A handshake with you, what's your point-of-view?
I'm on top of you, I don't wanna go
'Cause I really wanna stay at your house
And I hope this works out
But you know how much you broke me apart