憂鬱 f.t. 內向者 Depression f.t. Introvert
I’ve had depression for almost twenty years from the age of eleven years old. But after years of practicing and meditation, I wanna share my experience, story and practical solution for people suffer from Serious Depression.
Background of me
Before coming to the city, I had already been staying at home all day ,reading and drawing alone. Sometimes walking in the little hill and forest by the village. Only thing made me depressed was, Adult’s fight, argument and their emotion. As a kid, it was terrible to deal with adult’s bad mood and curse.
After 10, my family took me and my brother to the city for education, that moment not many people talking about “Introvert” , ”Depression” , ”Meditation”. Even no one doubted my behaviour, I meditate and prefer staying alone naturally.
Being treated like a weirdo made me dislike people much more. But I understand why they think so though that’s not fair for me. I understand hanging out is nice, I understand.
I never see here as my home. Actually feeling like losing my home and homeland. People in the city asked me about life in countryside, my teacher even asked me whether I believe in human is naturally good or not. People here believes human is evil, and at that moment unpleasant mood on my mind for treating like an poor animal in the zoo.
I believe human naturally have whole aspects of attributes.
Human is evil and kind at the same time.
Isn’t being naughty kind of evil? Don’t you love it?
Sorry for being quiet
The downside of my behaviour is, hiding from people will make me losing chance to understand varieties of people, to know the people similar to me.
Luckily, I still open the door and walk out sometimes. Know some good people by joining some communities. I love my friends and family, maybe I should feel sorry for being quiet and anxious about the society.
But no, I am not sorry. No one should feel sorry for being themselves.
I don’t force people being quite too.
while meditating, but thoughts annoy me, they are always so strongly emotional and messed, attacking me. I was hurt all the time by people, also gradually feeling hatred ,depressed and angry about society and people around me. Weirdly, deep on my mind, I still felt something very kind and warm. Maybe there is not the end of the world.
But what should I do?
After graduating from college, I changed many jobs, none of them stayed in my life for more than 7 months. At my 24, I had serious depression, so I asked my mom to support me, then taking a long rest. I am very glad she is always so kind.
Another important woman in my life, she supports me mentally and still now. I can say none of these two women, today I have disappeared for years.
A friend said, if a person lived in other country and need to survive for life, she will have no time to feel depressed. Well, ignoring the status and survive for years might be a way too. Not for me though.
Inexplicable disease and meditation
Recently I joined a meditation camp, trying to understand how other people do this. We stayed silent for ten days and meditated all the day without phones. Nothing will distract we those ten days.
The difference is, the silence. In the past, many loud thoughts and emotion consumed my energy, I was weak physically and mentally. That status made me sick and having few weird diseases. But physical examinations and the doctors didn’t find the real problems. It seemed all causing by my mentality.
The diseases were serious skin problems, serious pain during the week of month, bleeding for two months for no reason… et cetera .
Sit in a comfortable posture, breathe in and breathe out.
Be aware of the way you breathe, accept the feelings happening.
Physically, you will feel hot, wet air breathing in / out through the nostrils.
Mentally, many thoughts spawning. Various Emotions hit me inside.
Don’t judge the feelings and thoughts and emotions.
Let what happened happened. Be aware of the silent space inside.
Inspiration comes from there. Peace comes from there.
Sometimes, I will feel some strong emotion without reasons.
When you hang out, work and do something outside, but bad emotions come out, what should I do?
Breathe in, breathe out. Accept what happened.
Acceptance doesn’t mean being a zombie, instead, the point is feeling peaceful and calm at the moment. Energy comes in this status, mind will be clearer, silent space stands between thought and thought, I don’t feel extremely suffocated.
Now I can take more jobs and communicate with more people, cause I can feel peace and calm outside. The room is not my jail anymore. Facing challenges is not a torture without healing anymore.
For people who suffered, who people who don’t understand, for people having family members or friends suffered from all of these. What happened happened, take a breath.
When we are calm and peaceful, solutions always come from you.
No one is alone, love is always inside of you.
Like my work??
Don't forget to support or like, so I know you are with me..